Don’t just listen, mirror!

What is the main reason that relationships fail?

Communication. Yes, thats right! Misunderstood, negative, and avoided communication derails relationships. Good news! There is a simple technique I teach to couples that dramatically improves communication in peoples relationships, so get excited!

Maladaptive communication

A leading factor for relationship breakdown.  f you think about your own relationships, something small can sometimes turn into a big miscommuncation. People come into to see me when they feel like they have not been able to work these miscommunications out on their own at home. The Imago Intentional Dialogue helps couples connect and communicate in a safe and structured manner. This relationship tool has three parts: mirroring, validation, and empathy. Let’s break down mirroring:

• Mirroring: repeating back what you heard your partner say, using their words verbatim as much as possible, to convey active listening and being available and present
• Check out: “Have I got you?” making sure you are getting your partner, and giving your partner a chance to clarify anything or say again what they want you to get
• Keep going: “Tell me more” listening in a way that makes your partner want to keep talking, managing your own reactivity, and letting your partner flush out what they need to express to you

The Important Things:

• Note that the listener doesn’t just get railroaded with the couples dialogue, as the listener also has a legitimate grievance , but the point is that it’s the listener’s time to listen. If the listener has some issues and wants to talk to their partner, you can initiate a couples dialogue at a later time.
• It’s about practicing listening to each other. It can be incredible to feel heard and to feel validated about whats going on for you. Its an awesome tool to learn, and I challenge you to try mirroring your partner, family, or friend, when they are frustrated with you about something.

So, the simple technique of mirroring dramatically improves communication in peoples relationships. This is just PART of the couples dialogue. An Imago therapist facilitates the full dialogue, helps couples deeply explores important issues, and teaches and encourages validation and empathy.

• How is your communication? Do simple issues turn into a big fight? Is your relationship ok most of the time but you have a couple hot issues to work through? Do you have pervasive issues but wants to resolve things?
• Something to think about: I recommend coming to counselling as a preventative measure and learn how to manage conflict when it comes up
• You do not want to wait until a big issue comes up, like an affair, which leads to longterm counselling or, even worse, divorce, which is very expensive and painful.
• Last but not least, prioritize your relationships!

Grace McDonald, M.A., RCC, RMFT
Registered Marriage & Family Therapist
Registered Clinical Counselor
www.gracemcdonald.ca
T 604-873-9355  F 604-874-9355
FB Grace McDonald Counselling
Twitter @GraceSMcDonald

An Introduction to Executors and Probate

It is no wonder there is confusion around executors, estates and probate. No one wants to consider their own demise so discussions tend to be avoided. Death, however, is a certainty, and with this in mind you need the basics in place to protect your loved ones.

In this article, I will explain what an executor does, why you need one and will also provide an introduction to probate.

An executor carries out your final wishes as detailed in your will. When there is uncertainty, your executor plays a part in sorting through the details and in essence, does their best to act as you would in distributing your assets within the confines of the law. Without a will, an administrator is selected. This individual manages the estate similarly to an executor; however, the absence of a will can make for a much more involved process.

While an executor may or may not be a beneficiary, it is essential that the person you assign is responsible, organized and a good communicator. Communication plays a key role as managing an estate can be complex and an executor must keep the family and other beneficiaries informed at all points.

Among their first tasks, the executor arranges a funeral and informs others of the death. Informing extends beyond friends and loved-ones to organizations such as government agencies, banks, etc.

The executor must also complete the very detailed task of settling the estate. This begins with cataloguing all assets and liabilities and determining what items form part of the estate and what passes directly to a beneficiary. Assets with an assigned beneficiary (RRSPs, insurance products, etc.) will avoid going through probate which is another reason why pre-planning will benefit your family.

Because the process of taking inventory of assets, settling debts, and liquidating the estate can be complex and take a long time, detailed financial records must be kept for all amounts flowing into and out of the estate. Additionally, the final tax return must be prepared and submitted by the executor, as well as possibly a tax return for the estate itself.

Probate certainly has its myths and uncertainty. Most people have heard of probate, but have little understanding of how it works.

For estates with a value of more than $25,000, probate is usually required. Probate grants the executor the authority needed to settle the estate by proving that the will, and the executor’s role, is valid to banks, pension offices and other organizations.

Within the Lower Mainland, there are probate registries in Vancouver, New Westminster and Chilliwack, with others around the province. Probate filing documents can be prepared by the executor (a kit is available in many office supply stores) or by a lawyer, and must include the list of assets and liabilities with values. The fee to file is $200 plus probate fee – approximately 1.4% of the value of assets within the estate.

Generally the courts will process the application within 2 to 3 months granting the executor the authority necessary to finalize details of the estate.

Obviously the process can be time-consuming and up to 5% of the value of the estate is available for the executor for their service, however, it is important to note that this money comes out of the estate and will reduce the asset value available to beneficiaries.

Mortality is far from a fun topic, but planning and preparation will make things easier for your executor and loved ones. No one has yet figured out how to live forever, so take the time now to ensure your estate is in order.

    Gregg Medwid is the owner and president of Executor Support, a Coquitlam based firm with expertise assisting executors and administrators in settling estates. The project management expertise and customer service focus Medwid brings to Executor Support ensures questions are answered and help is given when it is most needed.

This article is in no way intended to substitute for competent legal advice.

Gregg Medwid, Owner

Executor Support

gregg@executorsupport.ca

604-999-2106

http://www.ExecutorSupport.ca